Lady of manners

As an inadvertent consequence of my alternative lifestyle, I find myself defining the rules of sexual etiquette when it comes to threesomes, group sex, encounters at clubs or parties, and one night stands. Here is a light-hearted attempt to put it all in one place.

It’s bad manners to deny a man the right to orgasm. Of course, as part of play it could be fun and exciting, but ultimately the man needs a release. Let him have it. Especially if you’ve gotten back late after a long night, both drunk as skunks, and he was unable to come the night before, let him have a quickie in the morning. It generally wouldn’t take long and he will leave happy. That’s good manners.

It’s also bad manners to leave out a participant in a threesome. Of course it happens sometimes, when playing with a couple, the two of them end up absorbed in each other. In this case if you are the third participant, it is fine to let them be but otherwise, all parties should always be participating and enjoying themselves, until everyone is fulfilled and preferably exhausted, if you’re doing it right. In which case the party that’s tired can excuse themselves for a nap and not get offended when the remaining two continue on their own. Though preferably not on top of the tired party that’s trying to sleep.

It’s always tricky dealing with one night stands in the morning. They should get the hint and leave, especially when the host has somewhere better to be. It’s nice to offer them a coffee, if you’re making one for yourself. Some people want breakfast, though I find it too much when it’s just some casual fun. I’ve found myself on occasion sitting in someone’s kitchen while he made breakfast for himself, all the while asking me if I was sure I didn’t want anything – yes, I was fine with my coffee, black no sugar, thank you. Now how do I get back to civilisation from here, please? Thank you for a fun night.

The extension of that is going out for breakfast or lunch, or spending the day together afterwards, talking. That just messes with expectations. If you like each other enough to spend more time together after the sex, it leads to believe that there is more there, more to explore, a connection, maybe. It’s not just a case of having company, from my experience. In fact, I’ve been in situations where what could have been a one night stand turned into more, which was great, and the first indication of that was that I didn’t mind going for lunch with him and sticking around after spending the evening, night and morning together.

However, don’t use that line – I don’t think any girl has been convinced to go home with someone by a promise of breakfast in the morning. Nice try.

A good fuck buddy is good for three things. He will show up when I call. He will fuck me, and do it well, as per the definition. He will not stick around too long afterwards and will leave, without spending the night. Perfect, just what I needed after a long day at work. I will clean up the traces in the morning – a half empty bottle of wine, a full ashtray, toys and accessories all around the bed, only my clothes left on the floor. Thank you for being understanding and not staying the night. I really don’t have the patience for the majority of people in the morning.

That’s all I can think of for now. Of course there are exceptions to every rule. I will add more to the etiquette series in the future.