The psychology of kink

People who engage in BDSM take it very seriously, and they have done a great deal of psychological work to get there. I certainly have, spending a lot of time reconciling my desires in the bedroom with the way I view myself, the way I project myself onto the world and where I want to go in the future.

At first it took me by surprise. The fantasies and desires were in my head for longer than I can remember, always playing on repeat like an old film reel, frequently in black and white. My fantasies used to be my escape world, somewhere I could go to create a life I imagined for myself. I visualised it so vividly, down to every detail – the man, the lines of my body under his touch, the scenarios of the games we play as well as the sensations and the feelings. Some days my imagination was so powerful it could bring me to orgasm.

And then it happened. It wasn’t at all the way I imagined it. He didn’t look like the man in my fantasies, but he was the one I consciously submitted to. His touch, his voice, the feeling of his presence were sufficient to drive me to a place where I could switch off my mind and let him guide me through my fantasies. We took each other on a journey of exploration where every dark corner of our minds could be opened and our imagination ran free. We developed our sexuality around each other, almost subconsciously. We got addicted to each other; we could fight and not see each other for weeks, yet when we were together the whole world could collapse around us and we wouldn’t notice. We fell madly in love. It almost destroyed us in the end.

I couldn’t face the world of kink and BDSM without him. He was my partner, my Dom, and I wanted him to be there when I went to the fetish fairs, the clubs, the parties, and the shows. That’s something we have always done together or fantasised about doing together. And now he wasn’t there, and I couldn’t handle it. I was still drawn to it but after an afternoon spent in the company of people comfortable with themselves, their desires and their sexual preferences looking at all the toys and tools of the trade, I ran out of that dark basement into the afternoon sun with tears streaming down my face. Something was wrong.

And then I thought it through. I spent a lot of time reading and researching, pondering my desires for submission, humiliation and kinky sex and reconciling them to my daily existence as a beautiful, intelligent and confident woman with a strong sense of self worth. I realised that my desires for a bit of humiliation play did not come from a place of low self esteem, in fact it’s the opposite. I understood that my preferences for kinky sex did not stem from any psychological issues but were as innate and basic and my likes and dislikes of various food and drink. I also grasped the fact that my submission was a gift, to be treasured and cherished, and it was a form of emotional and mental release for my sexuality which in no way implied that I would accept poor treatment from partners in my daily life. I was still a lady, to be treated respectfully like any other human being.

Slowly I came out onto the scene again. I went to some drinks where I was nervous at first, after all the people there would ask me the most intimate questions. They wanted to know whether I’m submissive or dominant, and how I got into kink but that was just normal conversation for them, the ones comfortable in their own skin. I asked them questions and realised that they have similar stories, fantasies that were always there and one partner who brought it all out into the open. I also met people of all kinds, submissive men and dominant women, the reversal of traditional gender roles, as well as switches, fetishists, and a variety of other kinky individuals. Through all this, I was able to define and verbalise my desires and better understand what I want from a relationship, a partner. I was able to articulate my needs and understand that I am not in any way abnormal, and I am not alone.

I get it now. I’ve thought it through. I have submissive tendencies, even though I consider myself a switch. I am a highly sexual human being. Sex is important to me, but so is a connection and chemistry. I like BDSM because it is a mind fuck, literally – you need to have some mental capacity in the first place in order to open it to exploration. I want to apply all to sex, my body, my emotions, and my intelligence. I don’t want to play dating games that vanilla people seem so focused on; I think the only games worth playing are in the bedroom. I want to give up control, but that has to be earned. I want the dynamics of a full on D/s relationship; there is no indecisive stage when that’s involved. I want a lover and a partner, all in one person, and it’s not too much to ask for. I have been on a journey and it’s still ongoing, but so far along the way I also understand that my desires, my dreams, my fantasies and my emotions make me who I am, I’m simply human.